Love. I scoff at the word. It is as though time is lost, people are lost, a sense of self is lost in exchange for something very valuable. But what is more valuable than belonging to yourself?
I loved once.
I still love. I still need, I still feel. These things are not lost on me as they appear, for I have feelings, I just rarely show them. When I do, they are sometimes explosive. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel and was as unemotional as people make me out to be. I wish I could be that person sometimes, but why would I trade the human experience, joy, sorrow, gains, losses, losses beyond reason, but joy beyond comparison. Would I trade these things?
It is not my intention for anyone to read this, actually this is for me. I don’t expect anyone to read it. Just rantings and ravings of a psychotic mind. Ive been worried about poisonous gas lately. And that its being blown all around me. I don’t know who is blowing this gas or why, but I promise you I will get to the bottom of it for sure. This one may take some time. I cant imagine who would want me dead. I mean, there are people that hate me but surely they respect my right to live, I would think so anyways.
So it would have to be some governmental figure of sorts. Someone powerful. Or mafia, yeah. Possibly. See the possibilities are endless once you open your mind up to the idea that poisonous gas is in fact being blown into places where I dwell and I want to know why. These things become facts to you. They are now embedded in my schema and you cannot tell me that no one is blowing poisonous gas because I will not even hear of it. I KNOW that the gas is there, its just now a question of who is doing this unfortunate deed.
I need answers. I need questions. I need something different. A job, a new life. Something to look forward to. This depression has me down low, almost to the bottom. I know what the bottom looks like, and I like to avoid it at all costs. So im lingering somewhere near the bottom. Ive had my fightclub into the light experience, you don’t have to tell me about those things. I understand that someday I will die, and I know that, so I cease to be useless. Its only after you’ve lost everything that you are free to do anything I guess.
Sometimes I like to get deep and think about the universe. It provides for our needs. You have a need and you ask the universe, your needs are met. The only problem is that most people do not know how to ask the universe for what they need. The universe took care of me for august, and I just have to believe that its gonna take care of me for September as well. We shall see. I have to believe in something larger than myself. Why? Perhaps for peace ofmind. I cannot choose to believe in “nothing” because the absence of belief or faith in something displaces my sense of self. It has been hammered into me to believe in something and not to live a life without religious influences. My parents would have been happy if I was a Buddhist. They and everyone else just wanted me to be something. So I was a Christian for a little while and that worked for a while but I had to give it up. There are certain core beliefs of Christianity that I do not believe in, so I cannot call myself a Christian. I can I guess, and do sometimes around others who believe, because there are aspects of Christianity that I believe in, but not all aspects. The key core things I don’t believe in are the trinity. I do not believe in the three in one. I believe in some of the miracles and life accounts of Jesus, though however skewed and written in a misguided sort of way.
The bible to me is a piece of literature written by man that is used to comfort people in times of need. There is nothing wrong with that, but that this all that it is really. I believe it has personal application in my life but I don’t seek it out as a sole source of my compliance or discompliance with any external stimulus.
I am a modern Universalist. I see the universe as god, and that all religions have something beautiful to share and all religions have something ugly to share. There are some not so decent parts of the bible where “god” commanded despicable acts be carried out. The god I know would never command such things. The god I know doesn’t need evidence that you love him anymore than you need evidence. Its called faith, and it happens on both ends. Terrorism is something I feel like satan would use, not god. He doesn’t have to scare me with delusions of hell to make me love him. I either accept or I reject, based on the evidence available. The evidence being, what has god or the universe done for me lately? Many many things, so I accept the notion that there is in fact a “god” the “universe” I call it or some sort of omnipotent being larger than myself with cognitive processes that far outsource my own. This being loves me and wants to give me gifts simply because I am a process created from his being. The universe does not punish or judge, it loves unconditionally and gives unconditionally to all those who call upon it.